Hope

I survived the death of my family.  I've survived ups and downs in my relationship with Pipiltin.  I've been through trials and tribulations in my life, and I've come through.

I've tried since we first met to get her to show more of her emotions, thoughts, and feelings.  Closing myself off like she tries to do would be hypocritical and a betrayal of sorts to our friendship.

I have much to be happy about.  A lifemate who loves me with all of her heart.  A wonderful family.  I also have a friend who will overcome whatever challenge it is she's facing and return.  That's the hope I'm going to hold on to and embrace instead of the thought of her being gone.

Walls

I have to cope with this loss. 

My current duties demand it. 

I cannot spend my time grieving while I am responsible for leading the Tribe.

I must put my feelings aside and carry on.

It is what she would do.

Loss

I am not sure why I am writing this now.  I had basically abandoned this journal, but for some reason I feel it necessary to put my feelings to paper today.  Perhaps it is some way my mind came up with to deal with this.

I have lost my best friend.  I have a sense of loss that I have not felt since the death of my family.  My mind is in a fog.  My heart has been torn asunder.  It feels as if I have this gaping hole in my soul that will never be filled in.  I think only the loss of my Pipiltin could be any worse.

She was supposed to always be there.  She was a pillar of strength and stability that I could always rely on for total honesty and complete trust.

I did not spend nearly enough time with her.  We did not do nearly enough together.

(The writing at this point is almost illegible.  The letters are scrawled and the ink in places has run.  Several water stains dot the paper.)

Why the fuck did this happen?  It was not supposed to be like this!  It was not supposed to end this way!

Wrath

Last night, we had someone at our weekly meeting whose presence, words, and actions helped throw our usually orderly affair into utter chaos.  This disruption of normalcy seemed to me to be a microcosm of the trials and tribulations that our family has faced over this past year.  Both internal and external threats have plagued us, but we seem to have weathered through them.  If need be, I know we can again.

The path of our Tribe is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil.

Blessed by the ancestors are they, who in the name of charity and good will, shepherd the weak through the valley of darkness, for they are truly their Tribemate's keeper and the finder of lost children.

And we will strike down upon them with great vengeance and furious anger any who would attempt to poison and destroy our family.

And they will know we are the Burning Tusks when we lay our vengeance upon them.

I have yet to hear from Pipiltin since her rather cryptic talk over the talisman yesterday.  It's not unusual, however, for her to disappear unexpectedly like this, especially recently.  I will give it until this evening before I set out to find her.  I'm sure it's just some task she had to complete that she forgot to inform me of.

Joyful

Some time today, I'm going to tell Pipiltin about my shaman training.  I am confident enough in what I have leanred to have pride in my new abilities, so I know in that respect she will be pleased.  There's still the matter of my having kept this all from her, but hopefully she will understand my reason for doing so.

Winter Veil has started!  I am particularly excited this year because it's my first with Pip.  My mate told me that she doesn't really know what the celebration is about, so I've acquired a book that provides a good, concise explanation of the hoilday to read to her while we enjoy smores and hot cocoa.  The beginning of a tradition perhaps?

We are returning to Piki'alo Hetawa this weekend.  As much as I know that our time in Winterspring was necessary, it will feel good to be back amongst the Tribe.  With Viv and Ana both giving birth and Glen moving his family in, our family has grown during our time away from home. 

I have never been happier.

Contentment

As often happens, several members of the Tribe gathered under the Tree this past Sunday evening.  While I sat there amongst my family and friends, I started thinking about how perfect it all was.  Everyone was laughing, joking around, and having a good time.  Even Annjia seemed to be more relaxed than normal.  Except for Pip's absence, I couldn't think of a place I'd rather have been.  All of these people mean so much to me. 

I have a wonderful family.  I'm going to be lifemated soon to the most loving mate I could possibly ask for.  My shaman training is going well.  Except for Pip's continued nightmares and an incident I must apologize to a friend for, I am more content and at peace than I have ever been.

It's a nice place to be.

Homecoming

Pip seems to have found someone qualified to take over the running of the Winterspring orphanage and to care for those wonderful children.  Very soon now, we will be returning home to Piki'alo Hetawa.  I meant it when I told my mate that I would stay with her and help in any way I could until her obligations were fulfilled, but by the ancestors it feels good to be returning to our own home.  I've missed our family.  I've missed our little kitchen.  I've missed my bubbles.