Hope

I survived the death of my family.  I've survived ups and downs in my relationship with Pipiltin.  I've been through trials and tribulations in my life, and I've come through.

I've tried since we first met to get her to show more of her emotions, thoughts, and feelings.  Closing myself off like she tries to do would be hypocritical and a betrayal of sorts to our friendship.

I have much to be happy about.  A lifemate who loves me with all of her heart.  A wonderful family.  I also have a friend who will overcome whatever challenge it is she's facing and return.  That's the hope I'm going to hold on to and embrace instead of the thought of her being gone.

Walls

I have to cope with this loss. 

My current duties demand it. 

I cannot spend my time grieving while I am responsible for leading the Tribe.

I must put my feelings aside and carry on.

It is what she would do.

Loss

I am not sure why I am writing this now.  I had basically abandoned this journal, but for some reason I feel it necessary to put my feelings to paper today.  Perhaps it is some way my mind came up with to deal with this.

I have lost my best friend.  I have a sense of loss that I have not felt since the death of my family.  My mind is in a fog.  My heart has been torn asunder.  It feels as if I have this gaping hole in my soul that will never be filled in.  I think only the loss of my Pipiltin could be any worse.

She was supposed to always be there.  She was a pillar of strength and stability that I could always rely on for total honesty and complete trust.

I did not spend nearly enough time with her.  We did not do nearly enough together.

(The writing at this point is almost illegible.  The letters are scrawled and the ink in places has run.  Several water stains dot the paper.)

Why the fuck did this happen?  It was not supposed to be like this!  It was not supposed to end this way!