Resolve

Pip and I were supposed to begin my search for my animal guardian spirit a few days ago.

Something came up.

We were supposed to try again last night.

Something came up.

We are supposed to try again later this weekend.

Surrender

I find myself being submissive to Pip in most situations, both public and private.  Whether it's choosing where we have a meal, during our mating time, or even recently with this move to Winterspring, I usually yield to her wants and desires.  I reasoned it out in my head once that it was because I was alone and had to shoulder all of life's responsibilities on my own for so long, that is was nice to just be able to give myself to someone and let them make the decisions.  I've told myself that it doesn't matter what we do or what I want as long as I'm with her.

Have I gone too far with this?  Have I given up being Urukha for the comfort of being Pipiltin Sharptusk's mate?  Am I so insecure about our love that I feel the need to placate her in all things?  Am I willing to accept every decision she makes and to not take my own feelings into consideration even when in my head I'm screaming "No!  I don't want this!"?

Two weeks before our lifemating is a hell of a time to be thinking like this.

Giving Thanks

Between my normal daily tasks and helping my mate take care of the orphanage in Winterspring, I have had precious little time recently for anything except sleep, much less writing in this journal daily as I had intended to.  I've missed these moments of contemplation, so I got up a bit early today to put my thoughts to paper.

Tonight, the Tribe gathers to celebrate Pilgrim's Bounty.  It is a time to give thanks and relect upon one's good fortune.  I am soon to be lifemated to my Pipiltin, who has filled this life with more love and happiness than I can put into words.  I have my family, the Burning Tusk Tribe.  My friend Annjia has become like a sister to me.  With all of their help and support, I've been able to get past many of the ghosts of my past and become a better person. 

I don't think my life could be any better than it is right now.  This year, I do indeed have much to be thankful for.

Dreams

I held one of the children in my arms last night after they had woke up crying because of a nightmare.  I haven't held a child like that since my baby sister went to be with the ancestors.  While I've given and received hugs from Westel's daughter, this was different.  The little one clutched me with all of her might, refusing to let go as she cried into my chest.  For those few minutes, that tiny, beautiful child acted as if I was the only thing between her and the menace in her dreams.  I suppose I was in a way. 

I don't see how Pip deals with the loss.

Is it selfish of me to be afraid to have children of my own? 

I think that's all for today.

Style

I've been told on more than one occassion that I have an excellent sense of style.  Is it wrong for me to agree with this?  As unpleasant as my time living in Silvermoon City may have ended up being, I did develop a talent for knowing what to wear to make the proper impression.  The right clothing can help inspire confidence, infuse fear, or arouse lust.  However, it's not all in the clothes.  You have to be able to wear them well.  One could don the most impressive suit of armor ever made, but if they don't carry themselves properly, they may as well wear rags.  By the same token, a noble soul can shine past even the most humble garments.

I do think rather highly of my fashion sense, but I must bow before my Regent's swag.  Westly can rock knee high boots and a cape like nobody's business.  Between the two of us at least, I must yield the fashionista crown to her.

Home

Pip has asked me to come and stay with her in Winterspring.  During her recent struggles there, the orphanage she visits in the area came under attack, and many of the adults and some of the children were killed.  My mate has decided to step in and help until she can find someone to take over caring for these little ones.  To be honest, I would have gone with her when she originally left, but she wouldn't allow it.  It seems the nights alone have started to wear on her just as they have me.  It will be nice to once again be assured of a night's sleep beside my love.

This means I will be leaving the Tribe's home in Mulgore, at least for the time being.  While this will in no way interfere with my obligations to the Burning Tusks, it will certainly be different. I have grown quite comfortable in the dwelling I share with my mate.  I think perhaps that may be more because of Pip than the actual building itself, however.  I've heard some say that home is where the heart is.  For a while at least, my home and my heart are in Winterspring.

A Good Day

For a Monday, yesterday was a very good day.  I accomplished everything I set out to do.  Most importantly, I was able to get Westly to simply relax and enjoy herself on our date.  We shared a meal at the Filthy Animal, did some shopping, and enjoyed each others company and conversation.  My apple burgers turned out well judging by the Regent's reaction, so I think I'll try them out on Pip's critically analytical taste buds soon.

As for today, there's more skinning to be done.  Lots of it.  It's going to be a good day.

Morning

Like most mornings, I am up and starting my day before sunrise.  Rarely does the dawn find me not already out and about taking care of the business of the day.   Now and again though, Pip does convince me to sleep in for a while, ocassionally even into the afternoon.  This usually doesn't take much effort on her part.  There are times when we spend those hours mating, but more often we just lay there in each others arms talking and simply enjoying our time together.

As I write this, I can look over and watch her sleeping.  Even in those raptor pajamas she's wearing, she is beautiful.  I like to think that at times like this she is free from all the concerns and responsibilities she places on herself and also from all the tragedy that fate has brought into her life.  If anyone deserves that, it's her.

Much to do today!  I have to head out and skin some leather for my mate's ever growing talent with leatherworking.  I have to get to the auction house to find some materials for a suit I hope to have made soon.  There are some clerical matters relating to my position as an interviewer for the Tribe that need to be taken care of.  Topping it all off is my date with Westly this evening.  So much to do and so little time. 

Ancestors help me, but I am a fool for those raptor pajamas.  I don't suppose it will hurt to go back to bed for a while.

Faith

Vindy and Branam had a beautiful ceremony.  They seem very much in love, and I am genuinely happy for them.  Pip was able to come, and she was beautiful as well.  As always.  The Dominion's anniversary party was a wonderful event as well, despite my mate being unable to attend.

Perhaps it was the mood of the hours beforehand that led to my behavior later in the evening.  Maybe it was dealing with my mate's recent extended absences.  It could have been because she just looked so damn good last night.  All of these reasons perhaps?  Whatever it was, I was not in the best of moods once I discovered that she wasn't at home when I arrived after the evening was done.  Once again, there was business she needed to attend to.  Something inside me went off, and I felt this overwhelming urge to get out and let off some steam.  For some reason, there was only one place I could think of that would do for what I had in mind, so I put on my "ass kicking" clothes and went to Silvermoon City.

I've been back to the city before, but never to any of my old haunts.  Surprisingly, there were actually some folks around who still remembered me. It wasn't long before I was right back in the middle of what I had left behind so long ago and slipping right back into the being the person I used to be.  Buying rounds for the entire bar will earn you lots of "friends", and throwing that kind of money around will grab the attention of the whores rather quickly as well.

I can't even recall her name now.  She was one of those sweet little things that always seems to be around where alcohol is poured and there's gold to be made.  Blood elves aren't my favorites, but I don't have the aversion to them that Pip does.  Her moves as she danced on top of the bar let me know that she was far from inexperienced at the game we began to play.  Our conversation soon turned to all the ways she could fulfill my every desire.  The necessary gold was exchanged, and I was set to spend the rest of my night using her until she broke.

That's as far as it went.  I couldn't bring myself to do anything more than help her down off the bar.  Suddenly, all I could think of was the hurt it would bring to the woman I love if she were to find out.  I made some sort of excuse about duty calling me elsewhere and quickly left.  I headed back to Orgrimmar and finsihed drinking myself into oblivion.  I seem to vaguely remember Sed showing up, but I can't be sure.

I feel like such a childish and spoiled little bitch.  What was I thinking?  On the same night that we watched Vindy and Branam swear their love and loyalty to each other, I almost betrayed the one I love.  When Pip commits herself to something, her loyalty and sense of duty are unquestionable.  Why should I think that her promises to me are any different?  Because sometimes she is forced to deal with something at a time that is inconvenient for me?   When all is said and done, she returns to me.  Always.  It is my own stupidity, selfishness, and insecurity that led to the events of last night.  I will not allow these things to hold sway over me again.  I will strive to be more patient and understanding and never again will I doubt my being first and foremost in my mate's life.  I know she is in mine.

So Much To Do...

It's been a busy couple of days!  That's not a bad thing, but it's kept me from updating this journal the way I'd hoped to. 

I went to a jousting tournament Wednesday evening in Northrend with several others from the Tribe.  Besides the tournament itself, there were vendors selling everything from souvenirs to food.  The apple fritters and hot cocoa were particularly good.

Thursday night's meeting with the Tribe had a couple of points of note.  Fiz was promoted to Tribesmate.  I was immensely proud of my mentoree.  Never have I seen someone more deserving of such an accolade.  Pip and I also announced the date for our lifemating ceremony, December 10th.  This weekend, we are going to try to put most of the finishing touches on the planning.  We also had a much needed evening of alone time, an all too rare occurance recently.

Busy weekend ahead!  I have several events I plan on attending, not the least of which is Branam and Vindy's promise ceremony.  I've got much to do by this evening, and my greatest challenge still lies before me.  What in the world am I going to wear?

Who Am I?

First and foremost, I am the betrothed of Pipiltin Sharptusk.  Never have I known love as great as that we share.

I am the daughter of my father and mother, Gognar and Valona, and sister to Candrik and Saska, my brother and sister.  By the ancestors, I miss them so.

I am a member of the Burning Tusk Tribe.  Being a part of this family fills me with unimaginable pride.

I am an orc and a member of the Horde.  Hopefully, my people will endutre these trying times.

These things define who I am.

So It Begins...

Today I begin keeping a journal.  It seems some of my friends and family record their thoughts in a similar manner, so I thought I'd give it a try.  Perhaps it will make for interesting reading at a later date to be able to look back and see how something may have changed since I first wrote about it here.  I suppose I could use it to help me organize my thoughts on a particular subject.  Maybe it will be a wasted effort.  Time will tell.